An Iceberg of lyrical splendor
Some time ago I realized that during my initial write up on this track I missed a great deal of the depth and meaning this track contains; it's like an iceberg of lyrical splendor and the first time through I only scratched the surface. I was inspired to do an additional write up when I heard an exquisite cover of “Graveyard” performed by the illustrious Tall and Small, a magnificent duo that I wrote about in length here. I don't know what it was about exactly about this performance that made things click for me but they did. Suddenly all these thoughts began running through my mind. I had a renewed understanding of what the track meant to me and why it has always pulled me in so strongly. For the last six months or so I have coming back this whenever a new insight came to mind and it has been an interesting experience to see how it has developed over that time. I am really stoked about this write up even more so because it is one of the very few times that something I have posted was a collaborative effort.
You can get “Graveyard” on Bandcamp so that you can also listen to it repeatedly. Also you can check it out just below I included it at the beginning in hopes that people would listen to the song even you want skip over my writing. I would be okay with that.
Graveyard
There is this vivid anguish present throughout the track, the kind that only comes after you emerge from the crucible of a sincerely traumatic event. I have felt this before, it's the kind of grief that forever transforms you. Looking back on when I first experienced a moment akin to this, I feel like it was that experience which ended my childhood, it altered me. This track is about such a moment, it's about experiencing a deep anguish and coming out the other side. Perhaps you feel stronger, and wiser when you emerge from it but from personal experience I would say that oftentimes just surviving the ordeal is a victory in and of itself. When I listen to this track there is an element of sadness certainly but it also allows me to process and work through grief, it's as if I feel this wave of catharsis crash over me. As far as I'm concerned this track is perfect in how it makes me feel and the way that it goes about doing so.
“Running through the graveyard, asking how to play.
Pointing at the headstones, trying on their names.”
Ioana of Tall and Small; mentioned above, offered some insight regarding this part of the song; specifically the second line. Despite insisting all the ideas in here were mine I began thinking about this part of the song differently after reading her words. She wrote:
“In regards to the part about “trying on their names” — not necessarily those who were part of a past relationship, but just others who've been through the same issues with addiction. My other feeling about that part is that maybe there's a longing for a different relationship? Maybe by trying on their names, you're putting yourself in their shoes and imagining your life as someone else. My mind goes to gravestones that have multiple people on them — a husband and wife — and wondering what it would be like to have such a long-lasting marriage and ultimately die and be buried with the one you love.”
I have always been really taken in by this first part of the track and yet I don’t feel that I have any great thoughts as to its meaning. I have some ideas but I am not in love with any of them. Why are you running? Asking how to play implies you have never done this before or at least not in this way, you don’t know the rules. This points at more than just the end of the relationship there is something in particular that makes this experience different.
When you are “Pointing at the headstones, trying on their names.” This could signify journeying through and reflecting on relationships of the past most specifically the relationship that is currently being discussed in the track. I am wondering if the other headstones in this graveyard are not representing personal past relationships but instead those of other people. You are going to this graveyard to ask advice of those who have been through something similar to you.
I enjoy the idea of this journey through the graveyard being about this longing for a more long lasting relationship as you are looking at these headstones of couples who were buried together and imagining what it would be like to share decades and decades of your life with someone; caring for them and them for you through all the ups and downs of life. Loving them so much that you decide even in death you don’t want to be separated. I think this concept from Ioana is far better than any that I conceived in my mind.
The way this all comes together for me is as follows, the relationship that is being discussed has already ended and early in the track we are taken back to a time when the relationship is at a pivotal junction. A moment when you don’t want to let the relationship go and truly wish things could be different somehow but you know no matter the case something has to change.
“breaking for a game plan, like I’m a halftime quarterback,
and you’re my part time lover with a lust for another and I just wanna win you back.”
The first part of this makes me wonder if there is possibly some amount of guilt that is felt for not trying to do something sooner. I would assume this was brought on by the often paradoxical gift that is hindsight. Looking back it is always easy to see something different could have been done but this sort of quarterbacking after the fact doesn’t account for things such as the emotional turmoil of what you've experienced.
The halftime quarterback line is what gives me this idea; as if you are just starting to do something even though some part of you knows it is likely too little too late. You are quite unlikely to win a game if you only start playing halfway through and if you feel that you have only just begun trying to salvage a relationship when the problem has been there for sometime the same principle applies.
“I’m dusting through the index, for the symptoms and the signs,
Cold hands, shallow breathing, jaundice skin around the eyes,
And the lingering of illness, and the death of this disease,”
It is exceptionally painful to watch someone you love struggle with an addiction regardless of what it is, especially as they don’t see it or choose to ignore all the signs that you can see so plainly. As it goes on it becomes worse and worse until it seems as if there's nothing left of the person you once knew they have become this shell of who they used to be. This part of the track really conjures up an image that isn’t easily digested which is exactly how it should be. It is a challenging thing to experience and it really hits home.
Makes you a part-time lover with a lust for another and i just wanna get you free.”
This is the formal introduction to the idea of addiction being likened to having another person in your relationship; though there are hints in the track before this. This third party is one that is commanding more and more attention and you just wish you could release them from it. The pain that comes from wanting to help someone that refuses it is almost indescribable. Especially when it comes to addiction as you cannot do much of anything to help someone who doesn’t want it no matter how bad you wish you could. This song really gets you to feel that sorrow.
“I’m a young grave digger when your blood is running with her and it’s not who I want to be.
She’s an undertaker, She’s a widow maker, and you still want her over me.”
There are individuals whose job is digging graves and while I am not certain I don’t feel this is meant in a literal sense but rather is used to represent a person who is responsible for bringing an ending to something and in the case of this track there seems to be this feeling that this ending may be brought prematurely. At the very least we know that the current state of the relationship is causing the subject to become someone they're not. I talked earlier about how it was possible that the third party in this triangle I am talking about is a person, but I don't feel that is the case. Certainly what I am about to discuss could also apply to a person and it could very well be meant to have multiple meanings. Or it could be that my whole theory here is crazy. I see the use of a pronoun for this addiction as a way to show that this addiction is real even if someone is denying it and giving it a voice is a way to illustrate the effects that it is having. Despite the reality that this addiction is killing them in more ways than one they are still drawn to it in this inexplicable way.
“so I’m your halftime quitter, I’m your 3 way splitter, cuz i’m no longer in the lead.”
I admire how the differences in the context that the word halftime is mentioned illustrates this change in the thought process of the speaker within the song. At the beginning there is this desire to start playing the game so to speak, trying to fix things but by the end it's halftime quitter. It is just too much you have to cut ties realizing that there just isn’t anything more you can do, as much as you wish that wasn’t the case. Despite what has been depicted in pop culture over the years I am of the mind set that you cannot truly, and wholeheartedly be devoted to more than one person. Love triangles always end badly for at least one party involved but usually for everyone involved. (I mean who came out of Twilight unscathed? Nobody. Not to mention all the time I wasted reading those books, I should stop this before I digress too much.) Whether a person or an uncontrollable vice it presents a scenario that simply cannot work. I have been thinking on what possible meanings there could be in regards to “cuz I’m no longer in the lead” Could it be a realization that you’ve lost the current battle and the one you love has been conquered at least for the time being by addiction? That is my best guess, it is a realization that any influence or sway you once had with this one you loved is gone.
“Now I’m tracing through the grapevine, did you ever get 90 days
remembering the mornings, I’d be trying on your name.
Before graveyards, before halftime, before symptoms on repeat
How are you long gone lover, will there ever be another why couldn’t I just get you clean.”
The grapevine is this informal means of two-way communication signifying to me that despite how things ended the subject still cares about this person they once loved and is trying to find out what happened to them, wondering if they were ever able to vanquish their addiction? Were they able to be clean for three months or even more? You are remembering the times that were good when you were trying on their name. I am moved by the trying on their names concept in this track. I see it as this way to show the commitment that should take place in a healthy relationship. This idea that you each take on this part of each other. I think that is a beautiful idea. Ioana had this to say about the emotionally poignant ending to this track:
“The beautiful but devastating echo of that line at the end ("trying on your name"), instead reminiscing about the time when she had previously considered marrying the person; what a brilliant song.”
Now at the end is where my mind jumps to something dark; what can I say I have been a true emo kid for a long time. I think you could add some literal meaning to the mention of graveyard and that the track could illustrate the telling of the story after it's been over for some time. Thinking about this person wondering if they ever managed to get clean because now they have shed their mortal coil and their headstone is more than a metaphorical representation. As I said, it's bleak. Being both strikingly powerful and also devastatingly harrowing. I see this scene of being at a grave whether literal or otherwise and posing these questions even though in both cases you know you aren’t actually going to get the answers you seek. It is a scenario that I can relate to.
Regardless of whether or not my ending thoughts are wholly ridiculous; the ability to be able to induce such inspiration in the midst of such a tragic tale is in my eyes superhuman. It is not the first time one of Lisa’s songs has done this for me. I find it truly fascinating the effect that exquisitely crafted music can have on someone. I cannot adequately dictate this feeling in the profound manner that I wish I could. There is a quality about Lisa’s music which always pulls me into a state of deep contemplation and I look forward to whichever track of hers I'm inspired to write about in the future.
