I am once again straying from a more conventional best albums of the year type of write up and instead I am just going to talk about what I enjoyed listening to the most last year whether it was released in the last year or not. I decided I didn’t want to delve through all the music I listened to last year in order to devise some arbitrary list of my favorite albums simply because it is something that is done. I figure nobody is coming here looking for the top albums of the last year anyway there are plenty of other places you can for that and get much more reliable information.

Melissa Lamm

Gemini Season

“Stirring up the pot

I guess it's Gemini season”

“Something's in the air, I feel it

Sorry babe, it's Gemini season”

“Life's too short for people pleasing

Sorry babe, it's Gemini season”

“Stirring up the pot

I guess it's Gemini season”

“Stirring up the pot” “Something’s in the air, I feel it” “Life’s too short for people pleasing” “Sorry babe, it’s gemini season” “I guess it’s Gemini season” I have talked before about how much I revel in songs having repeating lines in them that just change a bit and we get some of that in this track. I wish I had more insight regarding these lines but there are a few interesting things I came up with. The song begins and ends with “Stirring up the pot, I guess it’s Gemini season” so it seems Melissa is telling us she is just out to cause trouble. In all seriousness though I do appreciate the way the track begins and ends with this same idea. It is poetic and I have been on a poetry kick lately. What we find in between is two different lines “Something’s in the air…” and “Life’s too short…” I was thinking for a while on how these two lines relate and this is probably a bit of a stretch but maybe the something in the air is signifying a change; a realization that your life has no room for things such as people pleasing.

https://www.agrayaria.com/blog/sorry-babe-its-gemini-season

Never Love

“Never lie but I bite my tongue, With you all the time.” This could mean a whole myriad of different things but my mind takes it a certain way because of the opening line: “I don't wanna say how I feel but, I'm getting close.” You combine those parts with the ending of the second verse “Scared me off with three short words oh” and my mind has created this narrative where the subject of the track is in a relationship where they aren’t quite ready to express what they are feeling or don’t know how to because they know the words will hurt. They were scared when they were told those three words which I am inferring to be “I love you” because they were unable to say them back or that didn’t feel the same. Sometimes in a relationship you may be the one that just isn’t feeling it or doesn’t know exactly how to express yourself etc. You just have to keep going and trying both when it comes to love and relationships but also just when it comes to existing as a human being. Ultimately you’ve got to be true to yourself and I know it sounds cliché but I believe it, nobody is better off trying to be someone they are not regardless of the reasoning.

https://www.agrayaria.com/blog/never-love

pretty light nightmare

If I had to pick only a few lyrics from this track that were my absolute favorite they would be “Give me hell and take my heaven” “I'm scared that gettin' with you is givin' me up, And leavin' myself behind” I have mentioned many times before how fascinating it is that love can be described by so many different people and you can still find something new to take away from it. Love is complicated and I enjoy the way this track illustrates that. This fear that falling for someone else means having a falling out with who you are.

Laur Elle

The Man

(quite possibly my favorite discovery of this year)

“Lay me down with reasons

That I've over-romanticized

'Cause I'm holding on to a version of you I made up, I designed

You say you miss me but that means something so different to you

You say you want me but you only want another excuse

To say you got me 'cause you get high on the thought that you do

You love to think you're the man, boy it's not working for you”

This is one of the best songs I’ve discovered in quite a while. It is so brilliantly written and flows so well. It so clearly tells a story and gets a point across in such a way that there is really no mistaking it. I simply cannot get over the way that there’s both this acknowledgement that they made mistakes and also this other person in the relationship was quite toxic. In fact it seems to me that they probably always were. It just took probably too long to see it. You were holding on to whatever you could and filling in the gaps in your mind to make things seem okay. There can be many reasons why you would keep a relationship alive despite knowing in your soul that it is not what it should be; that it is not good for you. This track is the thoughts that come after you snap out of it, once you’ve had the realization things just aren’t good now and perhaps they never were. It illustrates this kind of situation in such a relatable way and in addition to that it sounds so incredible.

Delayed Reaction

“Put you carefully in boxes

All of my favorite parts in the back of the closet

I didn't want them out but I couldn't toss it

And now I'm just haunted

This whole house is haunted”

This is such a brilliant metaphor for the aftermath of a long relationship. There are all these memories you have and many things you see and experience will remind of this person that you just want to forget about. Yet simultaneously there are also situations where you find yourself also not wanting to forget. You try to pack it all away but it is completely unavoidable.

“If I don't watch the end of the movie

Then I'm not the villain who ended it cruelly

And I want you running everything through me

Hope you know that you were everything to me

If I don't watch the end of the movie

Then I won't see all the future in losing

And I love how you run everything through me

Hope you know that you were everything to me”

You elected to have an abrupt ending in order to avoid how messy things would have played out or at least you thought things would’ve played out. You’re trying to convince yourself that this way better whether you actually believe that it is true or you’re just trying to make yourself feel better about it. I feel it is quite possible that it could both be that it was better of many bad options and you feel bad about doing it.

Oh My My My

“Oh my my my

Oh my my my

I, I, I take the lows and hold out for highs

Let your emotions take me for a ride (I)

Oh my my my

I, I, can't walk away, it kills me when you cry

Let your emotions take me for a ride (ride)

Ride, oh, I, oh I

I keep on telling everyone that I've got this

It's worth the wait, it's all part of the process

Nothing's been going quite the way that you've wanted

And I'm afraid I won't know how to stop it”

This track is a unique take on relationships just not shaping up to be everything you thought they would. It’s seemingly not due to any major slight by one party or the other but perhaps due to being in different places on the journey of life. When something like this happens you can be with someone; be right next to them and yet feel as if there’s this great divide between the two of you that cannot be crossed. It can be hard to figure out how to leave as if your relationship has become this bullet train and you don’t know how to stop it without causing a wreck. Lines in the song such as “I'm tired of picking up your pieces” “I, I, I take the lows and hold out for highs” “I, I, can't walk away, it kills me when you cry, let your emotions take me for a ride” all contribute to me thinking this way. The second verse especially; trying to convince yourself it will get better if you just hold out. Yet also wondering how you would end things if you did want to. You find yourself caught in this emotionally trying loop that is seemingly inescapable; this track present that concept in such a relatable way.

https://www.agrayaria.com/blog/oh-my-my-my

Kathleen Elle

Callin You Mine

This track is one that really pulled me in from the start. It tells a story in such an evocative way you really feel with the subject of the track and its a relatable one. Being sucker-punched by love; its something that’s happened to many of us. On top of all that it’s an unquestionably catchy tune. I’ve caught myself singing it at random throughout my work days, especially the chorus.

“I missed the signs too many times
Guess that's why they say love is blind
But I confess, I had my mind set
I thought you were the one, that I was done
We'd be walking to a setting sun
Now what's left? A single silhouette“

Nervous

This ties in quite well with the last track in the way that its the result of being burned in relationships one to many times. You become guarded and nervous even when something feels great you’ve got to be convinced before you are willing to commit to anything. But you come discover that really no matter what you do in the end you have to take a leap and have hope. You have to continue to believe or you’ll end up never letting anyone in. It is especially helpful if you meet someone who helps you see that; someone who is willing to put in the work. This track illustrates the ups and downs of that journey magnificently well. Once again it is a brilliantly addictive tune; Kathleen writes such spectacular hooks.

Leave a light on

This is a truly emotionally expressive track. There have been occasions where I have been moved to tears while listening. Its a beautiful thing to have a place you call home in every sense of the word. No matter happens its a place you can go to be at peace to be accepted. It is there for what you need when you need it. The song is such a moving representation of what it means to live; to take chances, to succeed and to fail, to stumble on occasion but ultimately not give up. There will be times you may give up it won’t be easy but you’ll figure it out and pull yourself out of the holes you come to be in whether self-inflicted or otherwise.

“She said sometimes I look at you and all I can ask
Is where'd the time and how'd it go so damn fast
As you look to the future, I search through the past
And hope I've prepared you for all you'll be tasked
So I send you off with lessons from my mistakes
Knowing full well there'll be some that are yours to make
She said don't look down, lift your head higher
Shoot for the stars, but don't catch on fire
When you're tired, and want to come home
For you I'll leave that light on”

Alanna Matty

Headache

There is much to glean from this track and I’ve gained more insights the more time I’ve spent listening. Recently the major takeaway for me has been that it’s okay to struggle with the pressures and stress that life brings from all the many facets your are dealing with. “…they say it’s part of growing older growing up is gonna tear you apart…” Life is difficult and you don’t always have to be fine with it. We people ask how are you doing I don’t always give the seemingly expected answer of I’m good or doing fine. If I’m not actually feeling fine I’ll say it. That’s just life whether depression is something you struggle with or not I think anyone who says they are always doing fine is either lying to everyone else or themselves or both. I also have especially related to the parts talking about being compared or comparing yourself to others. It’s something that’s way too easy to do in society now and theres so many problems I have with it that I won’t get into but ultimately you should only be comparing yourself to yourself and striving to get better and improve in that regard.

Restless

“And I know the tank is empty

Looking for answers to what is wrong with me

And I know the tank is empty

I'm looking for answers for what is wrong with me

And I know I can't make everyone happy

Am I the best that I could be?”

Self-doubt is what this brought to my mind and that is certainly a relatable feeling. If you are me it can take you quite a while to make a decision. Then once you have made that decision you will spend and least as long pondering on how it is probably the wrong decision and also what other people will think of it, how will this decision be perceived? I don’t care so much about what others will think or if it will make others happy like I used to. Growing older has knocked a lot of people pleasing out of me but that certainly wasn’t the case until I hit my late twenties. It is hard enough to make decisions but when you are trying to factor in what others will think and trying to fit into whatever box society says you fit in, well that turns decision making into a herculean effort.

Seratonin

“I'm on a hunt for Serotonin

Feels like I've left all mine behind

Don't know how empty feels so heavy

Like time is weighing down my mind”

I feel like there are still people out there that don’t truly understand that depression is able to not just affect you mentally and emotionally but also physically. This part of the song describes so well what it can be like. I can vividly remember hearing this for the first time and tears just streaming down my face. Of course you never wish your bad experiences on other people but there is this overwhelming feeling of relief when you discover that someone else out there really knows what it's like. I felt that so strongly the first time I heard this. I remember thinking “yeah Alanna really gets it”; if you hadn’t experienced depression yourself you would not be able to articulate what it feels like in such a beautiful and poetic way. I still get a bit teary eyed at times when l listen to this track.

https://www.agrayaria.com/blog/subject-to-change

Lizzy McAlpine

Doomsday

There’s sad and then there’s Lizzy McAlpine sad. The music Lizzy crafts extracts emotions from like few other artists can. McAlpine illustrates such a magnificent grasp of language in the way that words are so brilliantly woven into this perfect tapestry of sorrow. The way that McAlpine can bend and twist musical genre is astounding; I found myself thinking as I listened to Five Seconds Flat “this is a pop song.” Doomsday is certainly no exception to this.

This track is full to the brim with death metaphors but the funeral here isn’t for someone but rather for a doomed and dying relationship. One sided, toxic relationships have been the subject of many tracks that I have discussed in the past but the way its related to death and its aftermath here is just brilliant.

“Pull the plug, make it painless
I don't want a violent end
Don't say that you'll always love me
'Cause you know I'd bleed myself dry for you over and over again

Doesn’t want a violent end; perhaps signifying a readiness to just let the relationship go; just cut ties without any spectacle. Clearly a relationship where only one party was putting in any real effort.

I'd like to plan out my part in this
But you're such a narcissist
You'll probably do it next week
I don't get a choice in the matter
Why would I? It's only the death of me
Only the death of me

This may be my favorite part of the song; the way it illustrates what a narcissistic personality is like in a relationship. How someone can be just so nonchalant about the feelings of another person. Why would they even think about the other person or how they might feel about what is happening. It is just such a spectacular metaphor I cannot get over how much I enjoy this track.

Pull the plug but be careful
I don't wanna die too soon
I think there's good in you somewhere
I'll hang on 'til the chaos is through”

There is this sense that despite knowing the relationship is over you have a willingness to hang on until the end just to see what happens. The rest of the track doesn’t really give me any sense that there is a hope that anything remotely good or hopeful will happen. To me it seems more like you are watching a train wreck and you just cannot turn away from it.

All my ghosts

“You got a Slurpee for free
I caught you lookin' at me in the 7-Eleven
Under fluorescent lights
We walked in comfy silence
Footsteps down familiar sidewalk
Knowing that we were here in our dreams last night”

I have said this already but the way McAlpine weaves words together continually astounds me. The way this lays out the start of a relationship is so good. “We walked in comfy silence” this is my favorite part, I think a mark of having a great relationship with someone be it romantic or otherwise is being able to enjoy silence with them. Its not weird or awkward its more like you are having a conversation within the moments of silence that you share.

“All my ghosts are with me
I know you feel them too
Ridin' shotgun next to your free Slurpee
They know all of my habits, but they don't know about you
I hope that's true”

This has always struck me as a song pertaining to anxiety. Specifically anxiety about personal baggage that stems from past relationships. That’s what all the ghosts represent for me. Perhaps this is supposed to be a more happy song and I’m just extracting sadness from it but I see it as this longing for a time when you can be with someone who can not simply look past your imperfections and your past but loves you for them and embraces you regardless of them. It’s a future you can imagine but you just haven’t been able to grasp it yet it’s hanging there in front of you just out of reach.

Orange show speedway

“we were just friends riding the line between acceptable and angering your girlfriend.” I love the magnificently perfect picture this creates. It’s one of things that would be hard for me to describe but I’d know if I saw it but McAlpine describes it perfectly.

“I fell in love at the Orange Show Speedway

But I’ve never been here in my life

I think it all kinda feels like an Orange Show Speedway

When you’re racing head-first towards something that’ll kill you in five seconds flat

When I’m racing head-first towards everything that I want back.”

It the ending of this track that gets my mind turning the most. There’s so much in this song but at the very end it’s as if McAlpine manages to cram an entire songs worth of meaning right at the end almost like it’s an after thought though I don’t believe it was it’s far too well assembled. It just seems so effortless it’s baffling.

Lisa Ritchie

Graveyard

There is this vivid anguish present throughout the track, the kind that only comes after you emerge from the crucible of a sincerely traumatic event. I have felt this before, it's the kind of grief that forever transforms you. Looking back on when I first experienced a moment akin to this, I feel like it was that experience which ended my childhood, it altered me. This track is about such a moment, it's about experiencing a deep anguish and coming out the other side. Perhaps you feel stronger, and wiser when you emerge from it but from personal experience I would say that oftentimes just surviving the ordeal is a victory in and of itself. When I listen to this track there is an element of sadness certainly but it also allows me to process and work through grief, it's as if I feel this wave of catharsis crash over me. As far as I'm concerned this track is perfect in how it makes me feel and the way that it goes about doing so. I wrote far too much about this track to include it here; I cannot think of another track I have heard in the past ten years that has me made think in the way that this track has.

https://www.agrayaria.com/blog/an-iceberg-of-lyrical-splendor

To Go

“Stayed up, wrapped up and my favorite

Way that I explain it

It's easy to portray it

Its paper thinly made

I promise im okay

I promise im just waiting for my turn

Waiting for my turn, waiting for my turn…

To go”

I love the way this track starts and ends essentially the same way like these brilliant lyrical bookends that tie the track together so brilliantly. “Waiting for my turn” is repeated a number of times here, giving me the impression that there is a struggle with how to stop waiting; like it’s a freeway with no off ramp and you find yourself just driving and driving endlessly. The way this track hits me is as this tale of the relationship between two people and how their relationship has waxed and waned throughout the years. Lisa has a number of tracks like this and I find them all quite intriguing. This is partly because I really don’t have much of an idea as to what they are about and trying to figure out any possibilities is fun for me.

https://www.agrayaria.com/blog/prudent-ponderings

December 28th

“The 28th sun just set but the day has somehow just begun

That eager darkness that reminds me of someone

Pulls me into chat before I noticed time has past

If I could stay, somewhere here between the years that never come,

it’s somewhat clear I fear I’ll never do enough. So keep me in the day, where I’m well enough to be ok.”

This is the part of the track that I can remember being in total awe and astonishment the first time I heard it and each and every time I listen when this part begins I have to stop whatever I am doing and just listen. This adds such weight to the song and ties everything together in an exceptional way. I have much to say about this part so if you don’t want to read my attempt at getting philosophical you should exit now. This hit me like a sledgehammer because it made me realize I am currently very near the weird limbo of my life known as middle age. This first line “sun just set but the day has somehow just begun” made me think how the sun has set on the first half of my life yet it also feels as if it's just started. I feel that so much of the first half of living was spent trying to figure things out and while I still wouldn’t say that I have everything figured out I have certainly figured out much more than younger me. Having said that though; it is impossible to look back without thinking about the ifs and maybes, the things you wish you did or wish you did differently. So when I heard “if I could stay, somewhere here between the years that never come” I felt as if it was written for me. It feels so comfortable in the now and there are times where I would like to just stay here and not have to worry what has or what will happen. Right here and now “I’m well enough to be okay” and the “fear I’ll never do enough” seems non-existent. As great as that sounds though that just isn’t life.

“Cuz here it’s safe to assume that I did the best I could

It's safe to assume that the new year could be good

It feels safer to stay here 1228 here 3 days away from new years eve

There's always tomorrow and time left to borrow until the years finally complete

Time can stand still here, do what it will here, just for the week

Yea time can stand still here, do what it will here, just for this week”

There is this sincerity and realness to this track that doesn’t appear in most Christmas songs I am used to hearing and it is refreshing. It had me thinking about many things and while not all of them were the most joyous of topics it was what I needed. When all is said and done each time I finish listening to this track I am filled with a renewed sense of hope for the future as unknown and tumultuous as it may be.

https://www.agrayaria.com/blog/december-28th

Kendra Lyssa

Nothing left

“I should’ve known

You’d let me fall

Well is that what it takes

My self destruction

Becomes nothing watch me break

Was it my mistake

I thought you’d save me

Now there’s nothing left to save”

Wow! I know its not very articulate but its the best summary of the way I feel every time I hear this track. The emotion here is so visceral and potent and this is something that is true about all of the songs Kendra writes. As I listen to the this song its as if I can feel the pain that is coming from it. It manages to hurt but also feel good at the same time. Its cathartic I suppose is the word for it. This track goes along with many others in this list seems I am drawn to tracks that pertain to relationships that come to a tragic end. “I thought you’d save me now there’s nothing left to save.” This feels like more than a relationship ending badly this feels incredibly devastating. Perhaps it wasn’t done on purpose but something happened that left you feeling truly broken after all was said and done.

“You tried to find your way back in

Your guilty conscience wont

be eased by me now “

Whatever happened in this relationship or in the past this time you are not going to give absolution for what they have done. You were let down in a major way. This goes beyond heartbreak and into betrayal territory in my mind. Trust and love it can be a difficult thing to work through. "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." This is really a perfect way to summarize it. You must learn to hope after suffering disappointments and find a way to continue believing after being betrayed; that’s the only way you can find love again. Like all emotional processes there are steps you have to work through and what I love about this song is no matter what step in the process you may find yourself in you can relate to something in this song.

Run

To me this song is the epitome of emotional awareness. It has been said that “Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we have a clear picture of it.” To stop suffering we must understand our emotions and where they are coming from. This track tells the story of what that can be like; it details this sojourn towards self-awareness. The way the ending hits me though is that all the answers haven’t been found yet and I enjoy that; its symbolic of the fact that emotional intelligence is a something that you must continually work on and even if you do you don’t always come up with these complete and concise answers.

“If only you could peer inside me mind

You would know the pain Ive left behind

And you’d see that I

I dont wanna run

But im afraid that I want you too much

I want you too much

I really don’t know how it happened

I never thought that I could feel this way”

It’s not you

“The shattering of a heart is the loudest quiet ever.” This is incredible summary of what it felt like as I watched Kendra perform this track. The vocals may be quiet yet the emotions just scream at you. There is pain present here certainly; yet within these lyrics is this amazing sense of progression. Figuring out how to move on and move past your pain. This track is like a feelings expedition; as I listen I experience a turbulence of emotions. This is one of those song that just makes you feel. "The heart will break, but broken live on." This summarizes the message that I ultimately gleaned from this track. There is pain; sadness, regret but in the end you are learning what you can from your experience and moving on.

“I wish you could get me

Like you love me?

Its not you its me

Im done trying to please

I cant be bothered trying

to change myself for you

Im sorry that I cant be

Like those other girls

You compare me to

Please leave me alone

Im done being polite

Im done waking up in tears

In the middle of the night

Start packing your bags

Get out of my brain

Im done hating myself

For things that I cant say”

Meg & Dia

Love the ones who leave you

Regret, heartbreak, grief Something that is true across all the Meg & Dia songs from the latest album especially is the absolutely brilliant flow of each track.

“Think about you sometimes

Think about your mom and your dog and your red vines

Do you think about me?”

Hindsight is what it is but sometimes there is really no great answer and that is the impression I get from this track.

“Were you hoping I would never change

I would never change

Do you think we gave it all away, gave it all away

If I kept you, if I left you... I lose

Sometimes you love the ones who leave you”

To me this is evocative of a one sided relationship. “Were you hoping I would never change.” As in they were hoping that you would just continue to put up with their crap indefinitely which is certainly something that I have seen happen but what a miserable existence that appears to be. “If I kept you, if I left you... I lose.” Sometimes there is no winning no decisions that are pleasant no matter what you decide to do but you have to look at what will be better in the long term. “Sometimes you love the ones who leave you.” You don’t always get to choose who you develop feelings for sometimes it ends being someone who hurts you, not every relationship you experience whether it be romantic or otherwise is going to be a positive one that’s just life.

“Laying in our laundry

The worries in your head

Never coming out clean and I'm sorry

That I never felt peace

(That I never felt peace)

I should have held you closer

But it was already over, it was already over”

Just because you decide to end things doesn’t mean you aren’t broken up about it; it not easy even if you’ve decided its the right thing to do. “I’m sorry that I never felt peace.” It’s not that you didn’t want things to work out you tried for a while maybe even too long to make the relationship work but for whatever reason it just didn’t. No matter how much you want it sometimes there are two people are puzzle pieces that just don’t fit together.

“I see you on the Eastside

And feel a little piece of relief

That you're alright

But you never see me”

Whether it is actually the case or not it is easy to feel like you still care about the person after things are over, but it seems they have moved on easier than you and aren’t thinking about you any longer. I feel that its usually not the case but its easy to feel that way in my experience.

Heart feels heavy

“Now my heart feels heavy

Have I lost myself

Cause I can't get over it now

Things can get so messy

When you're someone else

And you can't get sober somehow”

Is this speaking on the pressure’s of society and feeling as if you need to be a different person while in public versus private? As public figure’s I imagine such pressures exist for the artists. It could also be about relationships where you feel like you need to be someone else for the person that you are with. If you are this other version of yourself enough, I could certainly see getting lost in it as being a possibility. I suppose you could get so lost that it becomes difficult to find yourself again.

“All of the words you said to me

I needed, I needed

You couldn't know what it would mean

To leave it, to leave it

Looking for something new but I keep looking back

Is that all I have

Can I get better than that?

I think my youth was a weapon

Cut deep to teach me a lesson

These days I'm friends with depression

I'm stuck in my intermission”

Besides the obvious inclusion of the word depression. These to sections of the track do make me wonder if the song in its entirety is about depression and how that can skew your identity and your perception of the world. It almost feels like to me this track is written from the perspective that’s having this sort of pre-midlife crisis type of moment. I feel like I have had one or two of those myself over the years.

“Am I still not ready?

Only time will tell

But I can't feel anything now